Scientists develop new vaccine that cures gays and lesbians

Scientists at the Nelson Mandela School of Medicine have developed a vaccine which could possibly alter the gene responsible for homose_xuality and pedophilia, reports LiveMonitor.

The newly developed vaccine uses DNA-altering technology to ‘knock out’ a prostate gene believed to raise se_xual tension and bloodstream levels in mice when in contact with younger animals or animals of the same s_ex.

The DNA-altering approach for permanently reducing homosexual and pedophile behavior in mice with a single injection could potentially reduce these se_xual instincts by up to 90 percent believes Nasser Zolfaghari, PhD and assistant professor at the Nelson Mandela School of Medicine.

“For the first iteration of an experiment, these results are simply remarkable,” says Nasser Zolfaghari, who has also previously worked at Harvard’s Department of Stem Cell and Regenerative Biology.  “Our tests on mice have given remarkable results but it is only by testing the vaccine on human subjects that suffer from these genetic anomalies that we can eventually know for sure the vaccine’s efficiency on humans. In South Africa alone, it could take a decade of concerted effort to get this new approach from the laboratory to Phase I clinical trials in humans.” he admits, visibly enthusiastic. The DR also expressed his desire to sell his medicine to the Zimbabwean government.

As homosexuality and pedophilia are crimes punishable by imprisonment in Zimbabwe, the Zimbabwean government has shown great interest in the discovery.

“In our country we do not encourage such deviant behavior as homose_xuality and pedophilia as South Africans do” acknowledges a spokesman for the Zimbabwean ministry of Health. “Our government is following with much enthusiasm the progress of this new vaccine and Health Minister Dr David Parirenyatwa has promised to help facilitate human clinical trials as soon as possible,” he told reporters.

The testing on laboratory mice has also had some extreme secondary effects, leading to fever, seizures and sometimes death.

“We understand the risks of the procedure but we are willing to undergo human clinical trials as soon as possible,” said the Health Minister.

“It could be a one-time treatment given after birth, a permanent alteration. If you used this on a massive scale, you could reduce the occurrence of homos_exuality and pedophilia in a given population by 90 per cent in two or three generations,” he acknowledged during the press conference.

Source : LiveMonitor Satire